


Maybe "Fuck Off" Can Be Our "Always"

by LittleTurtleDuck



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Cancer Arc, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, F/M, Slow Burn, just an excuse to write angst and fluff tbh, lots of sickness and cancer talk so beware
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-14
Updated: 2017-11-21
Packaged: 2019-02-02 02:16:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12717666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleTurtleDuck/pseuds/LittleTurtleDuck
Summary: The last words anyone wants to hear are "You have cancer." Unfortunately, they are the words that Jim has just been told. All he wants is for his twin sister to let him die in peace, but that seems unlikely.Chemo is a bitch.





	1. Ignorance Is Bliss

“Jim has cancer.”

The words oozed out of the phone like sludge and hung in the air like smog. Priya knew she needed to say something back, but he brain had forgotten how to form words. Moments turned into minutes of silence while she processed the information.

“He has-”

“Cancer. Yeah.” Nat’s voice was empty. Priya had known her for almost ten years now. Nat was a loud, cheerful person. Impossible to hold down, just like her twin brother. But not now.

Priya reached her hand out blindly, searching for something to keep the room from spinning. 

“I don’t understand.” Her fingers found a blanket with tiny lizards printed all over it. She realized she was sitting on her bed. She didn’t remember sitting down.

“It’s a blood thing, I think. He-” Nat’s voice caught. She let out a slow breath, distorted through the tiny phone speaker. “Doctor says we caught it early. They’re running some more tests. They want to start treatment as soon as possible.”

The sound of Natalie’s shaky voice made Priya’s throat tighten. She wasn’t sure if it felt like time was racing past her, or if it had suddenly come to a crashing stop and wouldn’t start up again. Maybe both. 

She stood up suddenly, looking for shoes. She almost fell as she tried to cross the room, head still spinning. “I should come to the hospital.” She tore through her closet, throwing everything out over her shoulder in an increasingly frantic search. “I should come help.” Her hands started shaking. The best thing she could find was one flip-flop and one high heel, both for her left foot. Why hadn’t she cleaned her closet before now? She was prepared for countless emergencies, had made plans for every conceivable disaster, and yet here she was, being done in by a closet.

Natalie sighed wearily. “Stay there, Pri. Jim doesn’t want to see anyone. He, uh…” Another sigh. “He needs some time.”

Priya nodded, not considering that Nat couldn’t see her. 

“Shit, the doctor is back. I’ll call you when I know something else.”

Priya nodded again dumbly. “Okay.” Nat had already hung up.

She let the phone fall from her hands as she slumped back against the closet wall. A dress was hanging in her face and she was being poked by the lone high heel, but getting up again seemed like more work than could possibly be achieved.

She had just been with the twins yesterday. Everything was fine. Jim was healthy and they were all happy.

_‘Except he wasn’t healthy,’_ she reminded herself. _‘We just didn’t know it yet.’_

Ignorance is bliss.


	2. Absolutely Perfect

Natalie watched her brother through the glass pane. He sat on the edge of the exam table, nodding slowly at the doctor as he spoke. He seemed dumbfounded. He was definitely still in shock. The doctor gave him a single pat on the shoulder before turning to leave the room. Jim stared blankly at the floor.

A different doctor joined Nat by the observation window. He grabbed the paperwork from the slotted metal holder attached to the door. After taking a moment to glance at the top page, he turned to Nat. He shuffled his stack of papers and clipboards under one arm so he could shake her hand. “Dr. McCoy, I’m Jim’s friend.”

Natalie shook his hand, nodding. “Yeah, I think I remember seeing you at Scotty’s barbecue last year.” He was the reason they came to this hospital in the first place. It was further across town, but Jim had insisted. “Bones will take one look and tell me to get the hell out of his hospital,” he had said.

She suddenly realized she hadn’t showered or slept since they came in early last night. She had no idea what she looked like, but under the gaze of the handsome doctor, she felt like it had to be below her normal standards.

He pulled one of the clipboards from under his arm, flipping through the pages quickly. He opened his mouth to start speaking, but hesitated. He glanced at her over the top of the clipboard. Her blonde hair was pulled in a messy bun, strands poking out in every direction like a scarecrow. Her eyeliner was smudged under her blue eyes, and she was practically swimming in a hoodie a few sizes too big. He recognized it as the one Jim was wearing when they came in last night.

He lowered the clipboard and gave her a sympathetic smile. “You look like you could use a cup of coffee.”

She chuckled weakly, wiping under her eyes with the sleeve of the sweatshirt. “That bad?”

He tucked his notes under his arm again, gesturing down the hall. “Not at all.” He leaned toward a passing nurse, giving her instructions on helping Jim. He turned his attention back to Natalie, guiding her down the hall gently by her shoulder. “The cafeteria coffee is shit, but you look like you’re about to start sleepwalking.”

She looked back toward the exam room as they left. Dr. McCoy squeezed her shoulder. “He’s in good hands with Nurse Chapel. Don’t worry.”

He lead her through the winding halls. She tried to pay attention to the direction they were headed, but every corridor had the same white tiles and looked exactly the same. Everything blurred together. She had no idea how long it took them to reach their small table in the cafeteria. The doctor must have got them both coffee, because she wasn’t certain where the styrofoam cup in her hands had come from. The coffee was thick and acidic, but it was the first normal thing about the last 24 hours and she was grateful.

Dr. McCoy gave her a few moments to sit quietly with her coffee. He glanced over Jim’s chart one last time before clearing his throat. “Has anyone gone over the diagnosis and treatment plan with you?”

She winced. “Some doctor did last night, but I don’t remember a word she said.”

He smiled softly. “I know this is tough. You’re doing really well.” He slid a clipboard with a thick stack of papers across the table for her to see. “Jim has something called Hodgkin's Lymphoma. It’s a kind of blood cancer that targets the lymphatic system, but it has a good survival rate. That isn’t a guarantee, but we’re going to do everything we can.”

Nat finished her coffee, but still clung tightly to the cup. She nodded slowly, scanning down the paperwork for any words that looked familiar. She found none.

“Every few weeks he’ll have to come in and get a chemo IV. We’re going to start him on something called ABVD. It’s the most common drug regimen, and we’ve had a lot of success with it.”

“What does that stand for?” Nat put her cup down, starting to flip through the pages of the chart now. She tried to steel herself and looked through the wall of intimidating medical terms. 

“Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine, and Dacarbazine.” He chuckled as her brows pinched together. “You won’t have to remember those. Don’t worry, darlin’.” The longer he spoke, the more she noticed his soft southern drawl. It was calming.

“He’ll also need radiation.” He reached across the table, turning the packet to a page that outlined the specifics of the procedure. “Three times a week for at least two weeks. Probably more. They’ll run him through a machine that looks big and scary, but it’s a quick process and won’t hurt him.” 

Natalie paled. “Three times a week?”

He nodded. “It’s a lot, I know. Is there someone else who can drive him? Obviously a girlfriend isn’t part of the picture.”

She laughed. Jim had been through more than his fair share of women, but not one of them could have ever been described as his girlfriend. “Um…” She flipped through her mental rolodex. It had been just her and Jim for so long. They had plenty of friends, but none she wanted to ask to drop everything. But she knew one that would. “My best friend has a flexible schedule. She’ll help.”

He nodded. “I’ll get the discharge paperwork all set up. He isn’t going to have to stay here, but you need to make sure he takes it easy. You should read that packet, everything you’re going to need is in there.” 

She stood, holding the paperwork so tight it wrinkled in her small hands.

Dr. McCoy turned to leave, but paused. He dug in the pocket of his white coat for a moment before producing a business card. He quickly scrawled on it before handing it to her. “My cell number is on there. I know Jim doesn’t like to ask for help, but he’s going to need it. And so are you. Give me a call if you need anything.” He excused himself, slipping back into the halls quietly.

She squinted at the numbers written on the card. His handwriting was almost comically bad. Perfect for a doctor. Absolutely perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep accidentally naming chapters after the last line.  
> I should stop doing that.
> 
> I’m only going to be updating once or twice a week, but I’m posting the first full chapter early since the intro is so short.


	3. Cabin Fever

Jim didn’t see anyone for two days. He went to his first chemo and radiation appointment with Nat three days after the diagnosis, and then immediately sealed himself in his home. In a place that was so often filled with company, the now empty and silent apartment felt like the most underwhelming tomb in history. In place of idols bearing his likeness, he had his college graduation photo with Nat and Priya. Instead of offerings left by adoring subjects, he had the medical journal that Bones left behind two months ago and kept forgetting to take home. He wouldn’t be preserved in a regal golden sarcophagus to be praised and revered for generations to come. He would sit on this stupid leather sofa that Nat had begged him not to buy for the rest of eternity. And that was the way he wanted it, god damn it.

His phone alerted him constantly to new messages of condolence and pity. They all felt awkward and unwanted. If only Nat could have kept quiet. He was not used to being pitied, and he quickly found that he hated it. He had chucked the phone at a wall in frustration a few times. Thank god it held together. The last thing he needed on top of everything else was a broken phone.

He slouched low on the couch, surrounded by empty chip bags and cheap beer cans. He stared at his gray ceiling and prayed for an earthquake. Maybe a hurricane. A swarm of locusts, a flood of battery acid and chainsaws, a flock of rabid wolves that are also killer bees, please god anything to just end it now. Dying at the jaws of a black and yellow flying wolf while surrounded by all the junk food he had denied himself for years still felt more dignified than watching himself waste away one day at a time. 

A sharp noise jostled him from his natural disaster fantasy. He frowned at his phone. It had been going off all day, but that noise didn’t sound like one he was used to hearing from it. Maybe it needed a new battery?

The noise happened again. This time, while paying attention, he realized it was the door. Unfortunately for them, there wasn’t a soul alive he wanted to see.

“Go away.” He hurled a beer can at the door. It fell short by almost five feet, but it did make him feel a little better.

“Jim you can either get up and open the door, or I can go flirt with your Super and have him let me in. And honestly, neither of us want that.” The familiar voice of Natalie’s best friend came muffled from the hallway. The one person he wanted to see less than anyone else. He groaned, heaving himself off the couch. He had been told that the treatment might make him sore, but he didn’t expect anything like this. He kept getting slammed with waves of pain that made his muscles lock up. The soreness wouldn’t stop, even after the muscle spasms had passed. It took him double the normal time to cross the room, requiring a pause halfway to grit his teeth through a surge of muscle outcry, but he finally made it to the door. He threw it open, glaring straight into Priya’s face. “The fuck are you doing here?”

She looked tired. Actually, she looked very tired. He almost started to feel bad for insulting her so quickly, but then remembered that he was the one that was dying, so what was the point in feeling bad for anything?

“Nat’s busy with a new security client, she asked me to come by when I got off work.” She shoved past him into his apartment, dropping her purse near his feet. 

“Playing around in dirt isn’t a real job, you know.” He closed the door and turned to shuffle his way back to the couch. He wanted to tell her to go home, but she had never listened to him before, and he doubted she was going to start now. By the time he made it out of the entry way, she was already elbows-deep in the sink, furiously scrubbing away at a frying pan. 

She glared at him over her shoulder. “Aren’t you supposed to stay in a sanitary environment? This is horrifying.” Her nose wrinkled in disgust when she grabbed a plate and disturbed a pair of flies.

He flopped back onto the couch, grunting at the pain his muscles shot back to him in protest. “Lay off, Priya.”

She brandished the knife she was now cleaning, flinging soapy water in his direction. “At least try to stay healthy. For Nat.”

He sunk further into the cushions of the couch. He hoped it would swallow him whole and spit him back out in some far away couch-dimension, but no such luck. Priya was right, despite it being his least favorite thing to admit. 

From his seat, he could watch her moving around in the kitchen. Her messy hair was pulled in a ponytail as usual, jeans covered in mud stains from the greenhouse. She was talking as she paced, grabbing dishes from around the livingroom. He was sure she was chastising him over something else, but he had checked out of the conversation a while ago. He allowed himself a brief moment to watch her hips as she passed before grabbing the tv remote and cranking the volume up to drown her out. She glared at him, but he stared intently at the commercial playing, determined to ignore her. The wiry blond man on the screen was shouting about the many uses of whatever kitchen tool he was selling. It was hard to tell what it was supposed to do. Chop things, maybe?

Once she had purged the apartment of germs to her satisfaction, she returned to the living room and sat down next to Jim with a flop. He leaned away, bringing up his hands to shield his eyes. “Jesus, Unoa, could you pick a brighter shirt?”

She glared at him. “It’s my uniform and you know it.” The polo was bright green with a tiny pink flower embroidered over the pocket, and could not have fit her worse if it were a potato sack. She tugged at the hem of the stiff fabric. “I would have brought something else, but I wasn’t planning on playing babysitter when I left this morning.”

Jim’s stomach twisted with a pang of guilt. He knew this was an inconvenience to everyone around him. He had no biting comeback for that.

Priya sighed. “Sorry.” She crossed her legs and looked away. Jim knew she hated to apologize, especially to him. He made a note to remember this moment of victory.

He gave her a smug grin. “As the unquestioned lord of the moral high ground, I grant you my most divine forgiveness.”

She rolled her eyes and shoved his arm with her elbow. He pretended it didn’t hurt. 

He nodded his head toward the door. “Okay, you did you job. I’m not dead yet. You can go home now.”

Priya scoffed. “Nat made me swear that I would stay for three hours. She thinks you’re going to get cabin fever in here.”

He cocked an eyebrow. “Isn’t that a movie from the 90s?”

She chuckled. “Yeah, that’s obviously what she meant. She thinks you’re going to go crazy and poison the drinking water with a crazy zombie hillbilly virus.”

He nodded knowingly, turning back to the tv. “She really has me figured out.” He flipped through channels for several minutes before accepting that nothing good was on. He settled for a nature program about the monitor lizard. Neither of them had a particular interest in it, but it was a better compromising than bickering about every other show. 

They sat in silence for the duration of the lizard show. After that was a two hour special about penguins. Jim spent the entire time pointing at every predator trying to eat the birds and saying “that’s you” to Priya. 

Priya stood the moment the show ended. She shot finger guns at him as she crossed to the front door. “My time has been served.”

He gave her a farewell nod as she snatched up her purse and slipped out to the hall.

Once the door closed again, he dug his phone from the pocket of his sweatpants. He pulled up the message thread with his sister. ‘don’t need babysitting, especially from the ice princess.’ He followed with a string of snow emojis and frowny faces.

Nat’s reply came almost immediately. _‘suck it up buttercup :)’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter I wrote ahead that follows the proper timeline.
> 
> Time to bust out the next chapter so I can get back on track.


	4. Grande White Mocha, Two Pumps of Raspberry

The first time Nat tried to dial the handwritten number on the business card, she was connected to a sweet old woman named Eleanor from Poughkeepsie that talked her ear off for ten minutes. The second try gave her an obnoxious teenager that hung up immediately. She scowled as she punched in her best guess of the numbers for the third time. The messy handwriting had been endearing when she saw him last week, but now was proving to be more of an inconvenience than anything.

She mentally weighed whether it was worth all the effort as the phone rang. 

“This is Leonard.”

Nat hesitated. She looked over the card frantically, realizing she didn’t actually know the doctor’s first name. She had heard Jim talk about him for years and met him in passing, but never known him by anything but Doctor or one of Jim’s many nicknames.

“...Bones?” she asked lamely.

The man on the other end of the line chuckled. “Hey Nat.”

“Oh thank god.” She laughed. “Your name is Leonard?”

She heard the smile in his voice when he responded. “My folks were a bit out of touch.” He paused. “Everything okay?”

Nat sighed. She had been running ragged all week trying to tie up loose ends for Jim, but now that she finally had a moment to herself, all the pressure and anxiety she had been able to ignore was tightening its grip around her chest.

“Jim’s fine.” She knew that was what he meant. “Do you have any free time today? I need a break from… everything.”

“I’m off in an hour. Just tell me where to meet you, I’ll be there.”

She smiled to herself. “Colombian Jumping Bean on 24th?”

“Deal. See you in an hour.”

She thanked him and set the phone down in her lap. The two minute break from caring for someone else already made a dent in her frazzled disposition. She decided now was a good time to talk to Sammy, before her brain remembered how stressed out she should be. She pulled up the video chat screen and tapped the only contact she ever used.

The tiny blond boy’s face filled the screen almost instantly. “Mama!”

She grinned back at him. “Too close sweetie, hold it out like I showed you!”

Her mother appeared in the background as the little boy complied. She waved at the camera. “Hey kiddo!”

She waved back with her free hand. “Hey ma. Everything okay over there?”

Winona Kirk moved to sit on the floor with Sammy, smoothing his wild cowlick. “Perfect angel as always.” She planted a messy kiss on the boy’s cheek, to which he screamed, dropped the phone, and ran away laughing. 

Winona picked her phone up, smiling fondly after the boy. “How’s Jim?”

Nat sighed. “Angry, mostly. I just hate that I can’t be with him all the time right now. He needs me.”

Her mother smiled sadly. “You’re doing your best, that’s all anyone could ask, sweetie.” She heaved herself back onto the couch from the floor. “Running a security firm is hardly a part-time commitment.”

Nat nodded. She knew her mother was right, but she couldn’t shake off the feeling like she should be doing more. “Priya’s helping too.”

Winona chuckled. “I’m sure that’s going smoothly.”

Nat smirked. “They’re over the moon about it.” She glanced at the time at the top of the screen. “I should get going, I have to get to Colombian Jumping Bean.”

Her mother gave her a knowing look. “Meeting someone?”

“No!” Nat said defensively. “I’m just touching bases with one of Jim’s friends.”

Winona gave her an identical smirk. That woman had too much intuition for her own good. “You have fun.” She lowered her voice, glancing around to make sure Sammy wasn’t listening. “Should I bring him into town for the weekend?”

Nat sighed. She wanted time with her son more than anything, but she knew Jim needed her more right now. “I’ll let you know.”

Winona nodded. “I’ll give him a hug from you both.” She turned the phone so the camera was towards the Sammy, who was running in a tight circle around the living room rug. “Say bye-bye, sweetie!”

“Bye mama!” Sammy stopped to wave, but was too dizzy and toppled over.

Nat laughed as the screen turned black again. She stowed the phone in her purse. Time to brave the downtown traffic.

She made it to Colombian Jumping Bean in decent time, all things considered. She was surprised to see Leonard already seated in a corner booth, downing a massive cup of coffee and typing furiously on his phone with his free hand.

She paid for her standard coffee order (grande white mocha, two pumps of raspberry) and went to join him. “Am I late?” She glanced around the room for a clock.

He look up in surprise, taking a moment to return to reality. “No, not at all!” He slid down the booth seat to make room for her. “I cut out a little early.” 

She slid in, wrapping her hands tightly around the warm cup. She ran through conversation topics in her brain. The weather seemed too impersonal, but her dying brother also didn’t feel like appropriate cafe talk. 

“How are you doing?” He looked over at her gently.

She thought for a moment. She was used to answering questions about Jim, but she wasn’t sure when someone had last asked about her. “I’m not sure,” she answered honestly.

He nodded, taking a sip of his black coffee. “Could be worse.”

She laughed. She hadn’t thought about that. “That’s actually a really good point.”

He grinned and leaned back against the squishy booth seat. “Believe it or not, I’ve done this a few times before.”

She laughed again. It felt good. She hadn’t laughed in a while. 

They fell into silence for a few moments, but she was pleased to find it wasn’t uncomfortable. He hummed softly along with the jazz that filled the cafe while he checked his phone. He laughed, shaking his head. “Jim know you’re down here?”

Nat frowned and shook her head. “I doubt it, why?”

He laughed more and flipped his phone around to show her the new message alert from Jim. 

_‘hands off my sister, shitbird’_

He set the phone down and shook his head, still laughing. “That dumbass is sick as a dog and still making threats.” He grinned at Nat. “Your brother couldn’t find his ass with both hands in his back pockets, you know that?”

She exploded in laughter, choking on her coffee.

He patted her on the back, laughing harder.

She put her cup down on the table and wiped a tear from the corner of her eye. “God, I haven’t laughed like that in weeks.”

He smiled. “Happy to oblige.”

The pager on his hip beeped at him. He glanced down at it and furrowed his brows. “Dammit.” He slipped out of the booth quickly. “Hospital emergency.” He paused and turned back to the table. “Want to grab lunch tomorrow?”

She looked back, surprised. “Sure!” 

He grinned. “Great, it’s a date.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I meant to write one more section to this, but the weekend got away from me a little bit.
> 
> Friday’s update should have a little more heft to it.

**Author's Note:**

> This started as an AU to a larger fic that hasn't been posted anywhere. I'll try to remember to include relevant information about the non-canon characters.
> 
> First time posting a fic in ten years.  
> Leeeerooooooy Jeeenkiiiiiiins.


End file.
